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My Rollercoaster Ride to Finding Clarity, Connection and Purpose
I remember one night lying awake in bed almost sick with worry because I had let our credit card debt build up to $3000 and hadn’t told my husband. It was about 30 years ago, our kids were little and we were really struggling to make ends meet. I just couldn’t see how we were going to ever recover.
Now we owe more than $1.5m and, while this is a stressful situation to be in, I am not nearly as worried about the debt as I was about that $3000 that night.
The realisation of the change in my mindset about debt came to me only this morning as I explore another roller coaster of emotions swirling around in my head as I face the next set of challenges in my life as I move into my twilight years.
You see, on some level, I haven’t yet mastered the understanding that there is enough and more for everyone in the world. I haven’t yet let myself believe that I am entitled and worthy to receive financial freedom.
I’ve questioned myself so much, all my life. Always searching for the answers in every crevice I can find, believing on one hand that once I find the answers, I’ll receive all that I ever wanted. The Gods will look down upon me with pride at how clever I am and reward me tenfold for my generosity to others and for my foresight and cleverness in figuring it all out. Yet, on another level, I believe that once you have all the answers you die!
I have no fear of dying. I recently shared with one sage I have sought answers from that sometimes I go to bed at night and think to myself ‘I really don’t mind if I don’t wake up in the morning.’ I’ve had enough. I’m tired and I don’t want to do it anymore.
It’s not my fear of dying that holds me back. I know that for sure. It’s not my fear of success that holds me back. I know that for sure. At this point in time I believe it’s my fear that I am undeserving that is keeping me in limbo…too rich to be poor, too poor to be rich.
My mother used to always say ‘Something will turn up.’ I have 8 siblings so times were tough for sure. But something always did turn up. Just enough that we could be clothed and fed, not enough for us to break out of the poverty cycle.
There, I said it. We were in a poverty cycle for sure. Mum always felt she wasn’t as good as her sister and never felt loved by her father. We know that for sure, because she told us.
Dad, well Dad didn’t share all that much really. He was a smart man. Good at maths and wanted to be a teacher. He never did go back to study to learn and spent his whole life moving from one job to another to keep his brood until his health issues forced him to stop and retire and live on the pension until he died. They were content, but never happy.
I want more for myself but, this is where I am right now. Content that I have tried hard to achieve great things for myself and others but not happy that I didn’t achieve all that I am capable of, all that I wanted to do, all that was intended for me to achieve by our creator, the universe, or whomever or whatever it is that has some influence over the outcomes of our lives regardless of our own intentions.
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. I am at the space I should be at this time in my life. I believe that with passion. What next for me? I don’t know.
The debt? It’s my intention to die in abundance. I have intent and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. I am deserving and so are you.
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